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Flag   The Best Player Names, Ever
List
Bastard! Kuntz! Boffin! Turdo!

No, it's not the fallout in the aftermath of a game of Pictionary at Rooney's gaff, but our list of the finest names in football...

(In alphabetical order)

Name Notes
Einar Aas Signed by Cloughie back in 1981 from Bayern Munich, central defender Aas became the first Norwegian to play professionally in England.
Chiqui Arce The surname Arce is funny. But to give yourself the moniker 'Chiqui' is inspired. Real name Francisco Javier Arce, Chiqui earned a decent reputation as a right-back for Paraguay during the finals of the 1998 and 2002 World Cups, although he's still known more for the quality of his name rather than his darting runs and dead-ball ability.
Andrei Arshavin Classy Russian playmaker who signed for Arsenal from Zenit St Petersburg in 2009. He proved an immediate success - despite playing in less than a quarter of the Gunner's matches that season he came 2nd in their player of the year award. He also scored 4 goals at Anfield in the epic 4-4 draw with Liverpool.
Ars Bandeet Ok, so this article is quickly starting to look like a wind-up, but legend has it (backed up by a few quick google searches) that in the 70's the Algerian national team included a player called Ars Bandeet. That's good enough for us.
Tunji Banjo Nigerian international who, along with fellow countryman John Chiedozie, starred for Leyton Orient back in the 1980's. It's almost a shame that he was a pretty decent player, if he'd been completely pants he'd have provided some great ammunition for journalists and post-match wisecracks about barn doors, cow's bottoms etc.
Segar Bastard Or Mr Bastard to you. This legendary figure from the turn of the 20th Century appeared for England, refereed the 1878 FA Cup Final, played cricket for Essex, owned a racehorse, and still found time to earn a few shillings as a solicitor and a ski rental instructor. Probably. Rumour has it he was also the great grandfather of Spoilt.
Erich Beer German midfielder who played for the Fussballnationalmannschaft 24 times in the 1970's and was nicknamed 'the Berliner Beer'.
Bunny Bell Ok, so his official name was actually Robert Bell, but everyone knew him as Bunny Bell, and that;s good enough for us. He famously scored 9 goals for Tranmere against Oldham on Boxing Day 1935 (they won 13:4 and he even missed a penalty to make it 10 !), which was a record at the time. A legend at Tranmere, he scored 104 times in just 114 matches. He signed for Everton but his career was cut short by the 2nd World War.
Frank Belt A simple but effective name for the strapping young Hull City defender. We like.
Regi Blinker The charismatic Dutch winger was a big favourite at Sheffield Wednesday in the 90's from the moment he scored twice on his debut against Aston Villa.
Dominic Blizzard The central midfielder hardly went down a storm at Watford, and was last seen heading off to Stockport in an old VW Scirocco.
Prince Boateng Good. But not as good as Prince Polley.
Danny Boffin We love this name. It's mint. And the Belgian winger wasn't a bad player either.
Mansour Boutabout When the Algerian striker joined Sheffield Wednesday on trial from French outfit Sedan in 2008 a local Yorkshireman was heard to exclaim "I dont know nowt 'bout this Boutabout". Probably.
Dean Brill From about 2003 onwards Luton's Brill fought it out with Gerken for the coveted title of 'best-named goalkeeeper called Dean'.
Bongo Christ The Congolese striker would surely make a top ten of top names.
Norman Conquest Hats of to Mr and Mrs Conquest of Australia for this one. Definitely the best named Australian goalkeeper ever.
Carlos Costly The Honduran striker signed on loan for Birmingham City in January 2009. His name may not quite be the Carlos Kickabout that Alan Sugar once talked of, but it's not far off at all.
Creedence Clearwater Couto Brazilian striker who's parents were obviously big fans of the 1960's swamp rock genre.
Harry Daft Played for England 5 times, and captained them once, earning himself the tag 'Captain Daft'. Probably.
Darren Deadman English referee with a penchant for shoes.
Steve Death Legendary goalkeeper from the 1970's with Reading, Death set a football league record of 1103 minutes without conceding a goal.
Devin Del Do Midfielder with American outfit NSC Minnesota Stars. He's a team mate of Two-Boys Gumede and has been nicknamed 'the pleasurer' by the locals.
Paul Dickov Fiery little Scotish character popular with Man City fans
Roberto Dinamite Legendary Brazilian striker from the 1970's and 80's whose real name was actually Carlos Roberto de Oliveira, but who will forever be known as Roberto Dinamite after one of the country's journalists used it to describe his spectacular goal during his debut for Vasco da Gama.
Danny Diver Scottish striker who scored plenty of goals for plenty of teams (about 15 at the last count). And with a name like that he probably earned a fair share of penalties along the way.
Dominique Dropsy If they'd ever done a film called Carry On Football back in the 60's then England would probably have taken on a French team with a back line of Claude Camembert, Didier Bidet, Patrice Pommefrite and Pierre Bigun, protecting a goalkeeper called Dominique Dropsy. Well unlike the defence, Dropsy did exist, and wasn't as bad a keeper as his name suggested, making the French squad for the 1978 World Cup and starting in their 3:1 victory over Hungary.
Have-A-Look Dube Zimbabwean star who played for Njube Sundowns.
Mario Eggimann The big Swiss defender came to our attention during Fabio Capello's first game in charge for England against Switzerland at Wembley in January 2008. The delight on our faces when we discovered an Eggimann in the line-up was somewhat soured by John Motson's idiotic attempts to pronounce it as "Ecki-man".
Jacques Elong Elong Cameroonian midfielder who plys his trade in the Iranian Premier League.
Rod Fanni Former Newcastle chairman Freddie Shepherd's ears certainly pricked up in the summer of 2007 when he was told by his secretary that "Big Sam wants some Fanni". You can only imagine the relief, or possibly disappointment knowing Freddie, when the chairman discovered that his new manager was actually after a French defender named Rod, from Nice.
Charlie Faultless With a name ripe for sarcasm, Scottish referee Charlie Faultless had the honour of taking charge of the highest scoring match in World Cup history, Austria's crazy 7-5 victory over Switzerland in 1954.
Danger Fourpence Zimbabwean defender with CAPS Utd FC and team-mate of the equally brilliant Clever Muzuva, Raymond Undi, Blessing Makunike, Marvel Samaneka, Heavens Chinyama, Givemore Manuella, Gift Makolonio, Method Mwanyazi, Limited Chicafa and Zambian Laughter Chilembe. Surely the finest named team ever.
Dusty Fouser American defender with Panama City Pirates.
Robin Friday Cult football heroes don't come any more cult than this guy. Along with Death and Wanklyn he gave Reading three of the most memorable names of the 1970's. However, Robin Friday didn't just have a quality name, he had the game to match it. The scorer of some quality goals, his on and off field antics endeared him to the Elm Park faithful and also to followers of Cardiff, both of whom would later vote him amongst the clubs' all-time cult heroes.
Fritz Fuchs Uwe's father Fritz Fuchs was a player with Kaiserslautern and went on to coach a numebr of 2nd tier German teams.
Uwe Fuchs The German centre-forward was voted 3rd in a list of Middlesborough's cult heroes behind Bernie Slaven and Juninho, and it wasn't just his comedy name that appealed to the Teeside fans - signed on loan with a few months remaining in the 1994-95 season, he scored 9 times in 15 games to help promote Boro to the Premiership, only for Bryan Robson to turn down a permanent deal. Inspired the legendary Boro t-shirts emblazoned with "Who the Uwe is Jurgen Klinnsman?".
Argelico Fucks Brazilian who carved out a half-decent career for himself as a central defender, but who is always going to be best remembered as the source of one of football's greatest football headlines: "Fucks off to Benfica", Eurosport's famous description of his transfer from Palmeiras to Benfica. To see the headline, click here.
Cerezo Fung A Wing We think his dad, Mr Fung A Wing, liked Brazil in the 1982 World Cup as young Cerezo was born in 1983.
Milan Fukal The Czech defender nearly graced the English game, but moves to both Man City and Leeds fell through.
Michael Gash Or Mickey the Gashmeister as my old Gran used to call him. Young striker currently attempting to score with non-league Ebbsfleet.
Dean Gerken From about 2003 onwards Colchester's Gerken fought it out with Brill for the coveted title of 'best-named goalkeeeper called Dean'.
Two-Boys Gumede Full name Two-Boys Gladstone Gumede. A speedy forward from South Africa who plays in the States for Minnesota Stars.
Bernt Haas For the upper and middle classes who sound out the letter 'h', the Swiss right back's name may not have sounded so comical, but for everyone else, talk of Burnt 'Arse was always good for a chuckle. Haas made his name at Grasshoppers Zurich before moving to England with Sunderland and West Brom, where he earned the nickname 'Vindaloo' amongst both fans and team-mates.
Alex Higgins No, not that one, but an England youth international who Sheffield Wednesday had high hopes for but who never really made the grade, his impact being more like a gentle breeze than a hurricane.
Hulk Real name Givanildo Vieira de Souza, the Brazilian striker's heroic perfomances in the green kit of Japanese club Tokyo Verdy saw him nicknamed Hulk by the fans of the club. Moved to FC Porto in 2008 and his appearance in a Champions League game against Arsenal at the Emirates prompted the classic chant from the Arsenal fans of "Green in a minute, he's going green in a minute."
Danny Invincible How many times has the name Invincible popped up on the SkySports vidiprinter and we've thought to ourselves "Hah! He's called Invincible, and he's scored!". About twice.
Gareth Jelleyman The Welsh defender's name was immortalised back in the 2005-06 season when he was sent off during Sky Sports live results programme, prompting the fantastic shout from legendary host Jeff Stelling "Jelleyman has thrown a wobbly!". Good old Jeff had been waiting years for him to get sent off so he could use the gag, well done to Gareth for obliging.
Daniel Killer Another classic name from the Panini album. Killer was part of the Argentinian squad that won the 1978 World Cup.
Mario Killer The less-talented brother of Daniel. But with an equally fine name.
Laszlo Kiss A firm MD favourite from the 1982 World Cup. The Hungarian forward came off the bench against El Salvador to score the quickest hat-trick (3 goals in 7 minutes) and also the only hat-trick by a substitute as the Magyars thrashed the Central American team 10-1.
Not to be confused with a Glasgow Kiss.
Zoltan Kiss Hungarian central midfielder who first came to our attention in September 2009 when captaining Debreceni at Anfield in the Champions League. Sounds like he should really be a villain in a Bond film. But he isn't.
Johan de Kock Dutch international defender probably best known for his time with Schalke 04 in the late 1990's. A smutty commentator's dream, as cries of "de Kock moves forward" were bellowed from his microphone.
Stefan Kuntz Not even Motson could get around this one with a special pronunciation.
Lars Lagerback If you like Lager, and you like er.. backs, then you'll just love Swedish coach Lars Lagerback.
Mario Licka Czech midfielder who signed for Southamption in 2006.
Modest M'Bami Classy playmaker from Cameroon who currently plys his trade in central midfield with Marseille.
Milko Millman Played with Harry Redknapp at Bournemouth in the early 1970's after being taken on by then Cherries boss John Bond. His team-mates thought he was a foreigner, but he was actually from Jersey.
Ralf Minge Young Ralfy played 36 times for East Germany in the 1980's and even appeared at Wembley in 1984 when they lost 1:0 to England, although disappointingly we were a little too young at the time to notice what the line-up was or appreciate the true greatness of his name.
Jean-Jacques Misse-Misse Jean-Jacques Misse-Misse was a former Cameroonian international striker who spent most of his career in Belgium. He washed up briefly at Chesterfield following a short spell at Dundee Utd, where he more than lived up to his name.
Nathan Modest Sheffield Wednesday's self effacing young striker made his debut back in December 2008 and by all accounts was absolutely fantastic. Not that young Nathan would admit it, of course.
Surprise Moriri Or Surprise Mohlomolleng Moriri to be precise. Moriri has carved out a decent career as an attacking midfielder and has plenty of caps for the South African national team. And special mention should go to the youth club where he started out - the fantastically named Wattville Watford Brothers.
Johnny Moustache He may sound like a team-mate of Billy the Fish, but young Moustache is actually one of the stars of Seychelles footy.
Andre Muff The Swiss striker is allegedly a bit of a diver. He'd have made a dream partnership up front with this Scottish forward.
Neville Neville The father of Gary and Phil didn't actually play for Bury, he worked there as commercial manager, but he has to be in this list for the sheer cheek of his parents to give him this name. Fantasy Football first brought it to mainstream attention and most people will probably still think it's a classic Skinner/Baddiel wind-up. But it's not.
John Nutter Left-back who spent many seasons in the non-league before transferring to Gillingham from Stevenage Borough in 2008.
Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway Or more commonly known as Charlie Oatway. The parents of the former Brighton captain thought it would be amusing to name their son after the 1973 QPR team. They were right. So why Charlie ? Apparently when told of the name, his Aunt said "He'd look a right Charlie", and the name stuck.
Emmanuel Panther The Scottish midfielder (full name Emmanuel Ugochukwu Ezenwa "Manny" Panther) was made captain of York City and made famous in the Conference league with the Minstermen's chant... "He's tall, he's quick, his name's a porno flick, Emmanuel! Emmanuel!"
Troy Pennycooke-Morgan Young winger with Sheffield United.
Mr Forbes Phillipson-Masters My lords, ladies and gentlemen... we present to you the poshest name in the history of Football...

Mr Forbes Phillipson-Masters !

The news that the ex-Plymouth defender is now a painter and decorator is obviosuly a terrible mistake, surely with a name like that he'll be lording it around some stately home in top-hat-and-tails, wondering when he can next use the mighty disciplinarian on any ill-behaving servants.
Brian Pinas When Newcastle signed him from Feyenoord in 1998 the Geordie fans were immediately worried that he would be sent off for foul and abusive language whenever the referee asked him for his name. Unfortunately for all concerned he never got the chance - making only one appearance before being sold back to the Rotterdam club.
Prince Polley The Ghanaian international sounded like something Barbie might be dating, but was a hugely popular figure in the Dutch league in the 90's.
Waldo Ponce Chilean defender and current favourite for best-named player at the 2010 World Cup.
Pedro Power Bolivian midfielder. Of course, we grew up with Man City's Paul Power, but somehow Pedro sounds better.
Quim One of the more high profile members of our smutty list, Quim made his goalkeeping debut for Portugal back in 1999 and has been involved a number of times since as backup to Ricardo. In a survey of Euro 2004 Panini sticker collectors he was the primary cause of spilt coffee on shiney new album. Also plays for Benfica.
Razvan Rat Romanian left back who played at Euro 2008.
Ruben de la Red Spanish playmaker who scored a beauty at Euro 2008 against Greece.
Adigun Salami Nigerian midfielder with Danish outfit FC Midtjylland who had a trial with Chelsea but failed to 'meat' their expectations.
Bas Savage We're not sure if he's related to long-haired namesake Robbie, but whilst the Leicester and Blackburn midfielder has comically made a name for himself as a hardman (he wouldn't have last 2 minutes in the 70's or 80's), Bas has made his name as a striker with a trademark moonwalk goal celebration, made famous on Soccer AM.
Fanny Schamp Tough tackling team-mate of Freddy Fleurman at Belgian outfit Winkel Sport.
Rafael Scheidt Rafael was Scheidt by name, and shite by nature. Signed by John Barnes for just under 5 million, the Brazilian defender was spectacularly bad. He played less than 90 minutes in total and was farmed out by Martin O'Neill after the Irishman witnessed him in action during a friendly in Ireland.
Pasquale Sensibile Known as Joe Captain to his mates. He also works as Sporting Director at Italian club Novara.
Shane Sheriff The Australian defender arrived at Birkenhead in 2006 to lay down the law with Tranmere Rovers following spells with Leeds Utd and Aarhus.
Peter Shirtliff The curly haired defender was a popular figure at Sheffield Wednesday and Charlton in the 80's and 90's whilst rival fans also enjoyed his presence for the opportunity of various 'Shirt-lifter' gags.
Danny Shittu No-nonsense Nigerian centre-half who became a popular figure at QPR and Watford and who's whole-hearted displays lead to the chant "Chim-chim-eny, Chim-chim-eny, Chim, chim, cher-ooo. Who needs Sol Campbell, when we've got Shittu?"
Gernot Sick Austrian midfielder with Grazer AK who had to retire early, not because he was constantly puking, but because of numerous knee operations.
Dieter Stinka German midfielder who won the German championship in 1959 with Eintracht Frankfurt and then played in the final of the European Cup against Real Madrid the following season. Needless to say there would be some quality, if obvious, headlines ready to be written if old Stinka had a bad game.
Stephen Sunday Nigerian midfielder nicknamed 'Sunny'. Nice !
Peter Trembling Trembling was the chairman of Notts County during the bizarre takeover in the summer of 2009 by Munto Finance that also saw Sven Goran Eriksson installed as Director of Football.
Orlando Trustfull The classy Dutch midfielder played a couple of time for Holland before moving to Sheffield Wednesday where, bizarrely, he played a trial game under the guise of one 'Ryan Twerton'. Married to the delightfully named TV presenter Quinty Trustfull.
Mario Turdo Was the Argentinian as crap as his name suggested ? Celta Vigo, Rennes and Las Palmas certainly thought so.
Lopez Ufarte Anyone growing up around the time of the '82 World Cup will appreciate this one. Did we laugh when we opened up our Panini album for the first time, turned to Spain and saw that name ? Like never before.
Kick van der Vall Cult figure in the 70's with Dutch side FC Twente.
Rafael Van der Vaart Nothing too strange about the classy Dutch playmaker's name, but the fact that the Dutch pronounce the 'V' as an 'F' will certainly appeal to those with a good old fashioned sense of British toilet humour.
Ricky van Wolfswinkel Hammerer of final nails into Scottish football's coffin.
Pelham von Donop Or Lieutenant-Colonel Pelham George von Donop if you didn't want to cop a beating off him. Von Donop was an officer in the Royal Engineers and played for them in the 1874 FA Cup Final against Oxford University and in the 1875 final against the Old Etonians. He also played twice for England as a central defender.
Ricardo Virtuoso Unfortunately for him, and us, the Brazilian midfielder isn't quite as good as his name suggests, and was last heard of searching for a new club after being released by MLS outfit Columbus Crew.
Wayne Wanklyn Former winger who appeared alongside Steve Death in Reading's assault on the 4th Division back in 1978-79. What were his parents thinking of ?
George Welcome Honduran international not to be confused with the French utility man Georges Bienvenue.
Reuben Wiggins-Thomas The midfielder is without doubt the best named footballer in the Spireites long history.
Robert Primrose Wilson Better known simply as "Bob". The former Gunners goalie has had some stick over the years for his strange middle name but, disappointingly, there's a decent reason for it - the Scots have a tradition of using the mother's maiden name for their children's middle.
Dean Windass A cult-figure at many of his clubs, the striker also scores highly on this page for his excellent trump-related name.
Wolfgang Wolf You couldn't make this up. A stalwart pro for nearly 12 years with Bundesliga side 1.FC Kaiserslautern, he stepped into coaching with Stuttgart Kickers in 1994 before landing his dream job... yes, Wolfgang Wolf became coach of Wolfsburg. It was a sad day, 5 years later, when he left for Nurnberg. Nicknamed Wolfie. Probably.
Jesus Zamora Another one from the 1982 Panini book of dreams. It's not so strange now but back then, as a 10 year old, it was baffling and humorous to think that someone called Jesus was playing football at the World Cup.

Do you know of any others ? If so email them to us. There needs to be some evidence that they actually exist, for instance we've had a couple of people email in saying that Raphael Dumfuk used to play in one of the regional leagues in Spain, but we cant track him down so he's not yet on the list.


Contributors: Stephen Bevan, John Stewart, Rick Mock, Michael Hankey.


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