| Chiqui Arce |
The surname Arce is funny. But to give yourself the moniker 'Chiqui' is inspired.
Real name Francisco Javier Arce, Chiqui earned a decent reputation as a right-back
for Paraguay during the finals of the 1998 and 2002 World Cups, although he's
still known more for the quality of his name rather than his darting runs and
dead-ball ability.
|
| Ars Bandeet |
Ok, so this article is quickly starting to look like a wind-up, but legend
has it (backed up by a few quick google searches) that in the 70's the Algerian national
team included a player called Ars Bandeet. That's good enough for us.
|
| Tunji Banjo |
Nigerian international who, along with fellow countryman John Chiedozie, starred for
Leyton Orient back in the 1980's. It's almost a shame that he was a pretty decent player, if he'd been completely
pants he'd have provided some great ammunition for journalists and post-match wisecracks about barn doors,
cow's bottoms etc.
|
| Segar Bastard |
Or Mr Bastard to you. This legendary figure from the turn of the 20th Century appeared for England,
refereed the 1878 FA Cup Final, played cricket for Essex, owned a racehorse, and still found time to
earn a few shillings as a solicitor. Rumour has it he was also the great grandfather of Spoilt.
|
| Erich Beer |
German midfielder who played for the Fussballnationalmannschaft 24 times in the 1970's and was nicknamed
'the Berliner Beer'.
|
| Frank Belt |
A simple but effective name for the strapping young Hull City defender. We like.
|
| Dominic Blizzard |
The central midfielder hardly went down a storm at Watford, and was last seen heading off to
Stockport in an old VW Scirocco.
|
| Prince Boateng |
Good. But not as good as Prince Polley.
|
| Danny Boffin |
We love this name. It's mint. And the Belgian winger wasn't a bad player either.
|
| Mansour Boutabout |
When the Algerian striker joined Sheffield Wednesday on trial from French outfit Sedan in 2008 a local Yorkshireman was heard
to exclaim "I dont know nowt about this Boutabout". Probably.
|
| Dean Brill |
From about 2003 onwards Luton's Brill fought it out with Gerken for the coveted title of 'best-named
goalkeeeper called Dean'.
|
| Bongo Christ |
The Congolese striker would surely make a top ten of top names.
|
| Norman Conquest |
Hats of to Mr and Mrs Conquest of Australia for this one. Definitely the best named
Australian goalkeeper ever.
|
| Harry Daft |
Played for England 5 times, and captained them once, earning himself the tag 'Captain Daft'. Probably.
|
| Darren Deadman |
English referee with a penchant for shoes.
|
| Steve Death |
Legendary goalkeeper from the 1970's with Reading, Death set a football league record of 1103 minutes without conceding a goal.
|
| Roberto Dinamite |
Legendary Brazilian striker from the 1970's and 80's whose real name was actually Carlos Roberto de Oliveira, but who will forever be known as
Roberto Dinamite after one of the country's journalists used it to describe his spectacular goal during his debut for
Vasco da Gama.
|
| Danny Diver |
Scottish striker who scored plenty of goals for plenty of teams (about 15 at the last count). And with a name like that he
probably earned a fair share of penalties along the way.
|
| Dominique Dropsy |
If they'd ever done a film called Carry On Football back in the 60's then England would probably have taken on a French team
with a back line of Claude Camembert, Didier Bidet, Patrice Pommefrite and Pierre Bigun, protecting a goalkeeper called
Dominique Dropsy. Well unlike the defence, Dropsy did exist, and wasn't as bad a keeper as his name suggested, making the
French squad for the 1978 World Cup and starting in their 3:1 victory over Hungary.
|
| Mario Eggimann |
The big Swiss defender came to our attention during Fabio Capello's first game in charge for England against
Switzerland at Wembley in January 2008. The delight on our faces when we discovered an Eggimann in the line-up was
somewhat soured by John Motson's idiotic attempts to pronounce it as "Ecki-man".
|
| Rod Fanni |
Former Newcastle chairman Freddie Shepherd's ears certainly pricked up in the summer of 2007 when he was told by his
secretary that "Big Sam wants some Fanni". You can only imagine the relief, or possibly disappointment knowing Freddie, when
the chairman discovered that his new manager was actually after a French defender named Rod, from Nice.
|
| Dusty Fouser |
American defender with Panama City Pirates.
|
| Robin Friday |
Cult football heroes don't come any more cult than this guy. Along with
Death
and
Wanklyn he gave Reading three of the most memorable names of the 1970's.
However, Robin Friday didn't just have a quality name, he had the game to match it. The scorer of
some quality goals, his on and off field antics endeared him to the Elm Park faithful and also to followers
of Cardiff, both of whom would later vote him amongst the clubs' all-time cult heroes.
|
| Fritz Fuchs |
Uwe's father Fritz Fuchs was a player with Kaiserslautern and went on to coach a numebr of 2nd tier German teams.
|
| Uwe Fuchs |
The German centre-forward was voted 3rd in a list of Middlesborough's cult heroes behind Bernie Slaven and Juninho,
and it wasn't just his comedy name that appealed to the Teeside fans - signed on loan with a few months remaining in the
1994-95 season, he scored 9 times in 15 games to help promote Boro to the Premiership, only for Bryan Robson to
turn down a permanent deal. Inspired the legendary Boro t-shirts emblazoned with "Who the Uwe is Jurgen Klinnsman?".
|
| Argelico Fucks |
Brazilian who carved out a half-decent career for himself as a central
defender, but who is always going to be best remembered as the source of one
of football's greatest football headlines:
"Fucks off to Benfica", Eurosport's famous description of his transfer from
Palmeiras to Benfica.
To see the headline,
click here.
|
| Milan Fukal |
The Czech defender nearly graced the English game, but moves to both Man City and Leeds fell through.
|
| Dean Gerken |
From about 2003 onwards Colchester's Gerken fought it out with Brill for the coveted title of 'best-named
goalkeeeper called Dean'.
|
| Two-Boys Gumede |
Full name Two-Boys Gladstone Gumede. A speedy forward from South Africa who plays in the States for Panama City Pirates.
|
| Bernt Haas |
For the upper and middle classes who sound out the letter 'h', the Swiss right back's name may not have sounded so
comical, but for everyone else, talk of Burnt 'Arse was always good for a chuckle. Haas made his name at
Grasshoppers Zurich before moving to England with Sunderland and West Brom, where he earned
the nickname 'Vindaloo' amongst both fans and team-mates.
|
| Alex Higgins |
No, not that one, but an England youth international who Sheffield Wednesday had high hopes for
but who never really made the grade, his impact being more like a gentle breeze than a hurricane.
|
| Danny Invincible |
How many times has the name Invincible popped up on the SkySports vidiprinter and we've thought
to ourselves "Hah! He's called Invincible, and he's scored!". About twice.
|
| Daniel Killer |
Another classic name from the Panini album. Killer was part of the Argentinian squad that won
the 1978 World Cup.
|
| Mario Killer |
The less-talented brother of Daniel. But with an equally fine name.
|
| Stefan Kuntz |
Not even Motson could get around this one with a special pronunciation.
|
| Lars Lagerback |
If you like Lager, and you like er.. backs, then you'll just love Swedish coach Lars Lagerback.
|
| Mario Licka |
Czech midfielder who signed for Southamption in 2006.
|
| Ralf Minge |
Young Ralfy played 36 times for East Germany in the 1980's and even appeared at Wembley
in 1984 when they lost 1:0 to England, although disappointingly we were a little
too young at the time to notice what the line-up was or appreciate the true greatness
of his name.
|
| Jean-Jacques Misse-Misse |
Jean-Jacques Misse-Misse was a former Cameroonian international striker who spent most of his career in Belgium.
He washed up briefly at Chesterfield following a short spell at Dundee Utd, where he more than lived up to his name.
|
| Johnny Moustache |
He may sound like a team-mate of Billy the Fish, but young Moustache is actually
one of the stars of Seychelles footy.
|
| Neville Neville |
The father of Gary and Phil didn't actually play for Bury, he worked there as commercial manager, but he has to be in this
list for the sheer cheek of his parents to give him this name. Fantasy Football first brought it to mainstream attention and
most people will probably still think it's a classic Skinner/Baddiel wind-up. But it's not.
|
| John Nutter |
Left-back who spent many seasons in the non-league before transferring to Gillingham from Stevenage Borough in 2008.
|
| Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway |
Or more commonly known as Charlie Oatway. The parents of the former Brighton captain thought it would
be amusing to name their son after the 1973 QPR team. They were right. So why Charlie ?
Apparently when told of the name, his Aunt said "He'd look a right Charlie", and the name stuck.
|
| Emmanuel Panther |
The Scottish midfielder (full name Emmanuel Ugochukwu Ezenwa "Manny" Panther)
was made captain of York City and made famous in the Conference
league with the Minstermen's chant... "He's tall, he's quick, his name's a porno flick, Emmanuel! Emmanuel!"
|
| Brian Pinas |
When Newcastle signed him from Feyenoord in 1998 the Geordie fans were immediately worried that
he would be sent off for foul and abusive language whenever the referee asked him for his name.
Unfortunately for all concerned he never got the chance - making only one appearance before being
sold back to the Rotterdam club.
|
| Prince Polley |
The Ghanaian international sounded like something Barbie might be dating, but was a hugely popular
figure in the Dutch league in the 90's.
|
| Pedro Power |
Bolivian midfielder. Of course, we grew up with Man City's Paul Power, but somehow Pedro sounds
better.
|
| Quim |
One of the more high profile members of our smutty list, Quim made his goalkeeping debut for Portugal back in 1999 and has been
involved a number of times since as backup to Ricardo. In a survey of Euro 2004 Panini sticker collectors he was the
primary cause of spilt coffee on shiney new album. Also plays for Benfica.
|
| Razvan Rat |
Romanian left back who played at Euro 2008.
|
| Ruben de la Red |
Spanish playmaker who scored a beauty at Euro 2008 against Greece.
|
| Bas Savage |
We're not sure if he's related to long-haired namesake Robbie, but whilst the Leicester and
Blackburn midfielder has comically made a name for himself as a hardman (he wouldn't have last 2
minutes in the 70's or 80's), Bas has made his name as a striker with a trademark moonwalk
goal celebration, made famous on Soccer AM.
|
| Fanny Schamp |
Tough tackling team-mate of Freddy Fleurman at Belgian outfit
Winkel Sport.
|
| Rafael Scheidt |
Rafael was Scheidt by name, and shite by nature. Signed by John Barnes for just under 5 million,
the Brazilian defender was spectacularly bad. He played less than 90 minutes in total and was
farmed out by Martin O'Neill after the Irishman witnessed him in action during a friendly
in Ireland.
|
| Shane Sheriff |
The Australian defender arrived at Birkenhead in 2006 to lay down the law with Tranmere Rovers following spells with
Leeds Utd and Aarhus.
|
| Danny Shittu |
No-nonsense Nigerian centre-half who became a popular figure at QPR and Watford and who's whole-hearted
displays lead to the chant "Chim-chim-eny, Chim-chim-eny, Chim, chim, cher-ooo.
Who needs Sol Campbell, when we've got Shittu?"
|
| Orlando Trustfull |
The classy Dutch midfielder played a couple of time for Holland before moving to Sheffield
Wednesday where, bizarrely, he played a trial game under the guise of one 'Ryan Twerton'.
Married to the delightfully named TV presenter Quinty Trustfull.
|
| Mario Turdo |
Was the Argentinian as crap as his name suggested ? Celta Vigo, Rennes and Las Palmas certainly
thought so.
|
| Lopez Ufarte |
Anyone growing up around the time of the '82 World Cup will appreciate this one. Did we laugh
when we opened up our Panini album for the first time, turned to Spain and saw that name ? Like never before.
|
| Kick van der Vall |
Cult figure in the 70's with Dutch side FC Twente.
|
| Wayne Wanklyn |
Former winger who appeared alongside
Steve Death
in Reading's assault on the 4th Division back in 1978-79.
What were his parents thinking of ?
|
| Reuben Wiggins-Thomas |
The midfielder is without doubt the best named footballer in the Spireites long history.
|
| Robert Primrose Wilson |
Better known simply as "Bob". The former Gunners goalie has had some stick over the years for his strange middle name but, disappointingly,
there's a decent reason for it - the Scots have a tradition of using the mother's maiden name for their children's middle.
|
| Wolfgang Wolf |
You couldn't make this up. A stalwart pro for nearly 12 years with Bundesliga
side 1.FC Kaiserslautern, he stepped into coaching with Stuttgart Kickers
in 1994 before landing his dream job... yes, Wolfgang Wolf became coach of
Wolfsburg. It was a sad day, 5 years later, when he left for Nurnberg.
Nicknamed Wolfie. Probably.
|
| Jesus Zamora |
Another one from the 1982 Panini book of dreams. It's not so strange now but back then,
as a 10 year old, it was baffling and humorous to think that someone called Jesus was
playing football at the World Cup.
|
The Best Player Names, Ever 
