It's half-time, and it's already 4 nil. Your boys are getting thrashed, and you're the boss.
What do you do ?
1 Read the Riot Act.
How the reading of the Riot Act, which was passed by parliament in 1715, is supposed to chastise or inspire footballers is beyond us. Its use in the dressing room is largely irrelevant now as most of its powers have been replaced by the 1986 Public Order Act.
2 Indulge in some tea cup throwing.
Throwing tea cups at half time is one of Britain's major contribution's to tactical innovation. Bobby Robson, for example, was distraught to find only high energy drinks in plastic bottles on entering the PSV Eindhoven dressing room for the first time.
3 Have a nice cup of tea.
To quote Scotland's top tea-slurper Graeme Souness - "One assumes that if teacups are there for the throwing there must also be situations when they are drunk from."
4 Think about wine.
A fairly recent development is this business of them 'opening a nice bottle of red wine' with the opposition manager after the game. So surely they spend a good chunk of the break deciding which tipple to drink.
5 Give a player the Hair-dryer treatment.
Sir Alex's greatest gift to the world of football motivation. In his angrier days he took the practice so seriously that Nicky Clarke and Vidal Sassoon were on the Old Trafford back-room staff.
6 Hand out the oranges.
In the words of Rafael Benitez, "this is my favourite thing about being a gaffer in England".
7 Send the players straight back out.
Complete and utter humiliation. When the 1st half is so abysmal and the manager ceases to be capable of swearing at his players, an assistant or coach will be summoned to send them back onto the pitch early doors. Hilarious fun for the opposition fans when it happens. A typical Cloughie move this one.
8 Do a triple substitution.
A rarity, but known to football insiders as the 'Mourinho Hail Mary'.
9 Do absolutely nothing.
As practised to perfection by England's glorious former leader Mr Eriksson. This would be an attempt to exude a zen-like calm in the often frenzied half-time atmosphere. That or cover the fact that you have simply not got the first clue on how to reverse a difficult situation.
10 Finish the Sun Crossword
"Oi, Rio! 1 Across. Everyone's favourite read - 3 and 3."