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"Yo, Brethren ! It's Shreevesy here wiv the low-down on what's really kicking off away from the training pitches. It might be hard to believe this, but when I was earning the big money as Terry Yorath's right-hand man, no-one gave a flying cr*p what I did. Not any more though. Now it's mega news if Rooney is spotted at Greggs the Bakers, or Lamps is seen in Primark. Anyway, you spot 'em and I'll whack 'em on.
Send your top spots to me at: shreevesy@midfielddynamo.com

Good luck, and, in the words of my old mate Pleaty.. Cowabunga Dudes!"

Whoop whoop! Shreevesy's back! It's been too long but I've been ever so busy what with writing my new cookbook (Thai, what else!) and doing a pilot for my new TV chat show with Jimmy Greaves. We can't think of a name for it though. If only there was some sort of connection between our names...

Anyhow, to hell with that, Top Spots is what keeps me off the streets. We've had a World Cup and the new season is fully underway. There, the intro's over.

Things aren't looking too bright for former West Ham favourite Geoff Pike. Lorne Greene (no, not that one, the other one) informs me that he saw him wearing one of those Golf Sale placards on Newbury High Street. And what really worried old Lorne is that there aren't any golf shops in Newbury!

Top spots regular Tony Don, out walking with brothers Monty and River, looked on agog as he spied veteran defender David Weir grappling a fish. In a weir! Ooooh the very thought.

Kevin Elphick overheard Tom Huddlestone bellowing "Mark my words, it'll catch on!" to a baffled looking town crier in Tewkesbury. About what, we will never know.

Plenty of great spots from my fans who went to the World Cup. Richard Bland saw Louis Van Gaal squabbling with a barman in a Durban piano bar. Apparently Louis demanded that the pianist played that old film soundtrack favourite Louis Louis. When he'd finished he wanted him to do it again! And then again! Oh Louis Louis, Ohhhh bebby. Youwayaway.

Thomas Kampmann a foreigner, from overseas, near Germany, wants me to know that he saw Ashley Cole throwing darts at a picture of the Queen in the aftermath of England's defeat against Germany. I think that's a wind up Thomas, you Teutonic trickster. Sour grapes is it? Didn't like getting a taste of Matthew Upson's goal scoring prowess, eh?

Ashley would never do something like that. As demonstrated by my next spot from a Pavlos Joseph of Bromley. In a story yet to come out, Pavlos evaded stadium security after England's tremendous clean sheet against Algeria. After selling David Beckham a broken Casio watch for twenty quid he spotted Ashley in the dressing room, weeping real tears because of all the bad things in the world. As my old mentor in chief David Pleat would've said, if only he was here today, in my pantry - "That grieves me Shreevesy".

Finally, any number of you (one, Terry Parr) have informed me of strange goings ons at the Sun City golf course. Apparently, former ITV pundit Robbie Earle was spied being chased by a bevy of scantily clad Dutch beauties across the 7th hole fairway. Apparently Robbie had accidentally snagged all their mini skirts into on his golf buggy, ripping them all off and exposing the ladies bra and pants. The ladies gave chase and Robbie subsequently bashed the buggy into a tree before running off haphazardly, pausing only to slap an old, bald caddy repeatedly on the head.

Finally finally, Top Spots is now on Facebook! If you've noticed Sean O'Driscoll buying a smoothie or maybe even bumped into Abedi Pele evading a librarian, let me know. Unfortunately I can't remember the web address. Maybe next time!

arrow Well, the festive season is over but it meant a good opportunity for all my eagle-eyed spies out there to spot some top footballing legends, both young and old, starting with a rare sighting of an old Chelsea legend...
arrow Tony Don marvelled as Ron 'Chopper' Harris rode his brand, spanking new Chopper bike around the park near his Scottish holiday home in Kirkcudbright! The old Yorathmeister General, David Pleat, would have loved to have had sight of that.
arrow Gillian Howatson spotted new Forest manager Billy Davies doing absolutely nothing of note as he waited for a taxi with his family at East Midlands Airport. Come on Howatosn, you can do better than that next time, get one of your kids to kneel down behind Davies and then get another to push him over. Whilst you film it. I'd love to see that.
arrow Winston Arbuthnot sent us an in depth letter detailing how he watched agog as former England winger Mark Chamberlain despatched a plum pudding between carols at St Crispin's Church, Rugely. Steady on Winston, 1,500 words is pushing it! A telegram would have sufficed.
arrow Former Southampton veteran Francis Benali was seen demanding his money back after an altercation with an elf at the now infamous New Forest Lapland experience. Nobby Siddall who spotted the rumpus said the elf had clearly been drinking and there was something not quite right about his roll ups either.
arrow Terry Towellin took his kids to see Santa at Debenhams in St Helens before Christmas. He wasn't 100%, but from the whiff of tapas on his breath to the way he grumbled about his kidneys, he suspects the secret Santa was none other than Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez.
arrow Nigel Hartbrook saw Sunderland defender Nyron 'Nosser' Nosworthy dressed as the Joker at the clubs Christmas party in the Prudhoe Working Mens Club. Nothing unusual there I hear you all cry. Except that the theme for the fancy dress was Bats Men, not Bat Man! El-Hadj Diouf won 1st prize with his spookily accurate take on Mike Gatting.
arrow It's not just St Nick who likes a nice chimney, Mike Young hid in one for a fortnight, Jermaine Pennant's to be precise, hoping to get a glimpse of Real Madrid's next galactico hanging up his stocking by the fire. Little did he know that Jermaine likes to hang his at the foot of the bed. Better luck next time Mike.
arrow Doug Foster nearly dropped his frozen turkey when he saw Dele Adebola looking at paint in a small handyman store in Lincoln.
arrow Ryan Barnes saw Match of Day 2 pundit Lee Dixon eating brussel sprouts on toast in a cafe next to the bus station at Chapel en le Frith. As Glenn Hoddle once said to me when I showed him my collection of old dead toads "Yuck !"
arrow And finally folks, Burgess Meredith (no, not that one) spotted Roy Keane sneakily tearing open Christmas crackers at a fancy shop in Wilmslow. That's not part of the game Roy, the contents of a cracker are supposed to be a surprise. One of my ex-captain's, Peter Atherton, will be livid when I text him about that. And rightly so.

arrow Well, the weather might have been rubbish this summer, but your footballing top spots have been nob on ! Let's kick things off with some bad news for an old Hillsborough legend...
arrow Yes, former Sheffield Wednesday winger Terry Curran was seen, sadly, reduced to being a stooge for The Chuckle Brothers on their summer season at Scarborough. Our man, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported that Terry had told him he didn't want to see another custard pie for as long as he lived! As my ol pardner in crime David Pleat might have said, "How the mighty have fallen".
arrow Terence North has written to us with news that he saw one-time Norwich City goal gobbler, Kevin Drinkell, negotiate a 10% reduction on his takeaway curry on production of what looked like a fake student card. Staff at the Moglai restaurant in Lincoln were nonplussed but agreed to the deal when Drinkell handed them a signed photo of former City boss Ken Brown.
arrow Doug Foster thought he was seeing things as he watched Gazza's mate 'Five Bellies' scraffling in the bins outside the Jarrow branch of Aldi. You weren't seeing things Doug - old F.B. is well known in footballing circles as a top scraffler.
arrow Top Spots regular Ryan Barnes, stood on platform 4 of Blackpool North railway station, saw Sammy Lee and Sam Allardyce get off the 4.15 from Bolton in Cybermen suits, with another person with them dressed as Davros. "Was there a Doctor Who convention in town ?" Ryan adds in his email. You tell me Ryan. What do you think Shreevesy is, some kind of a walking nothern version of Time Out ?
arrow Moustachioed Argentine World Cup winner, Leopoldo Luque, was spotted leaving a Warrington lap dancing club by eagle eyed pervert, Arnold Cleaver. But don't panic Mrs Luque. He's got a part time job at 'La Juggeria' as a pot washer!
arrow Tony Don noticed Tony Mowbray driving his old Sierra around a roundabout. Nothing too strange there, except for when I tell you where he was - about from 5 miles from Melton Mowbray ! As my old captain Ian Hendon would have said "That's eerie Shrevesy".
arrow Mike Young, back out on bail for the summer, somehow ended up hiding in the shower of Mark Lawrenson's ensuite and watched Lawro cleaning his teeth through the frosted glass. Lawro's a Colgate man apparently, just like Gary Mabbutt. Spooky !
arrow Leaving these lovely shores and heading swiftly over to the Balearics, Anthony Arkle was amazed to see Germany legend Olaf Thon downing a yard of ale in Bob's Bar, Magaluf, owned by ex-Tiswas funnyman Bob Carolgees. I reckon Olaf will have had a hefty hangover after that one. Arkle also reckoned he saw the ghost of Valeri Lobanovsky shouting "Here comes the Lobster" to him after eating a dodgy fish stew. I'm not having that one, Arkle!
arrow Staying abroad, and Mike Ingleby noticed Pele and Maradona having a fist fight outside an Irish pub in Los Angeles. He even sent me a photo. Which I've lost.
arrow And finally folks, Carl Weathers (no, not that one), went into Clark's shoe shop to buy his daughter some new school shoes but came out with more than he bargained for - a signed box from Man Utd star Wayne Rooney. Young Rooney, temp'ing at the Alderley Edge branch as cover for his wife Colin, was busy selling bunion shoes to grumpy old women but still found time to sign a shoebox and have a chat about the terrible weather.

arrow First things first - I've got a top spot of my own this month - a couple of weeks ago during a charity golf trip to Scotland I spotted the spiritual Marvin Andrews at Kirkcaldy Links Market carrying an enormous Goose type thing. My God it looked heavy.
arrow Terry Turpin, son of Randolph, sat next to Lee Dixon on the Dockland's Light Railway as he knitted what looked like a chunky cardigan. But he could have been wrong.
arrow Billy Foster saw two footballing Ian's, Woan and Cranson, free-style rapping at the main entrance to the Potteries Shopping Centre in Stoke. Not content with just one top spot, Billy also spotted former Villa forward Gary Shaw playing Stone-Paper-Scissors with a pensioner near WHSmith in Lichfield. I wonder if that pensioner was my old nemesis Egil Olsen ? He used to love that game. And Lichfield.
arrow Doug Foster stood behind Russell Osman as he coughed loudly in Wickes.
arrow Ryan Barnes saw fine-wine connoisseur Graeme Le Saux swigging from a bottle of Lambrini as the 17:30 to Woking pulled out of Waterloo Station. My mate Micky Hazard would have paid good money to have seen that.
arrow Anthony Davis saw Neil McNab arguing with a pidgeon behind a quarry near Buxton.
arrow Top Spots regular Tony Don spotted Kevin Ratcliffe pushing a rat... off a cliff !! As my old mucker Keith Burkinshaw, aka the Burkmeister General, would say - "spookier than a deserted fair ground in an episode of Scooby Doo".
arrow Mike Young managed to evade Rio Ferdinand's dobermans, get into his house and hide in his boiler cupboard, where he saw Rio eat an 8 pack of CheeseStrings. You've been 'merced' Rio !!
arrow Nick Tarry gazed on in admiration as ex-Arsenal defender Gus Caesar rotated crops in a field near Peterborough. Good work Tazman. And way to go Gus !
arrow Rich Townsend heard foolish England goalkeeping coach Ray Clemence trying to order a Big Mac at a Burger King's, in Corby. I always thought Ray was an idiot. Ooh Shreevesy loves a nice Burger King, especially those Chicken McNuggets and Zinger Burgers.
arrow And finally folks, Sylvester Riggle looked on in abject horor as Neil Warnock nearly choked to death on pastry outside Gregg's the Bakers in Padstow.

arrow First up this month, Peter Grant spotted Spurs target Alan Hutton smoking a mackerel in Tobermory.
arrow City high-flyer Oliver Turtleneck saw Didier Drogba at the Ivy clutching a freshly signed photograph from Donald Sinden and in the words of Oliver: "Obviously looking very pleased with himself". A doff of Shreevesy's large cap to that top spot Olly.
arrow Two top spots in one month for Wrexham's Eileen Bent - first up she saw Chris Sutton barking like a dog in Waitrose, then she spotted Ian Ormonroyd dancing to drum'n'bass in the Metropolis nightclub. I love dancing too. But not drum'n'bass, I'm a liquid funk kinda guy myself. Anyway, whatever, good spotting Eileen.
arrow Doug Foster watched aghast as Alex 'Big Eck' McLeish bought 2 large sheets of MDF at Homebase in Lincoln.
arrow Claudio Ranieri was spied trying to ram a shopping trolley full of bric-a-brac into a pillar between platforms 9 and 10 at Kings Cross station. Our contact, Ryan Barnes, who wishes to remain anonymous, seemed to think he had a dead owl sellotaped to his shoulder. As my mate Terry Venables would have said "Curious!".
arrow Brendan Neal heard Nicolas Anelka moaning about how late his bus was at Bolton Central Bus Station.
arrow Tony Don spotted Sunderland misfit Greg Halford buying car mats ...in Halfords! I can almost hear my mate Pleaty saying it now - "Spooky!".
arrow Mike Young peered over Matt Le Tissier's wall at his castle in Jersey and saw him barbequeing what looked like a squirrel.
arrow Thomas Marshall saw Big Ron sharing a joke with a Welsh person. He didn't say where, but I presume Wales.
arrow Andy Shaw and his wife spent half an hour watching Carlton Palmer and Alan Cork tombstoning near Falmouth.
arrow And finally for this month, David Arkle noticed former Notts Forest 'pineapple-head' Jason Lee being ejected from a Grantham library after he complained loudly about having gut trouble. It was probably one of those 24 hour things.

arrow Alex Chase spotted Ian Culverhouse in Norwich city centre, carrying a bucket.
arrow Doug Foster watched Sammy Lee buy a junior hacksaw in a B&Q superstore near Preston.
arrow Rob Dence saw Darren Moore bare knuckle boxing with a polar bear just off the A38. Needless to say the big man won. Jeez, my wild-haired pal Terry Yorath would have loved to have been in the mix with that particular scrap.
arrow Ryan Barnes caught Derek Mountfield being sick into a bin on platform 8 at St Pancras. As my mate Pleaty would have said "Who's the stalwart now Mountfield ?".
arrow A clap of Shreevesy's hands for this one - Bill Carr saw ex-Charlton coaching guru Les Reed licking envelopes outside a Help the Aged shop in Dartford. Bloody hell Les, get a grip man.
arrow Tony Don spotted Jason Scotland, visiting old friends in Scotland! As my mate Pleaty would surely have said "Spooky!".
arrow Mike Young peered in through Phil Thompson's bay window and saw him watching a repeat of Keeping Up Appearances on UK Gold.
arrow Wayne Biggins looked on in horror as Billy Davies crashed a boat into a duck on Matlock's boating lake.
arrow And finally for this month, another of my female fans, Shirley Brooks, saw moustachioed Man City legend Paul Power waving to a fisherman in Oldham. Ooooh, I do love fishing.


arrow Godfrey Baldrick from Halesowen spotted Graeme Le Saux fighting a leopard at West Midlands Safari Park.
arrow A big Shreevesy thumbs up to Howard Young, who saw ex-Coventry winger Dave Bennett playing British bulldog in a car park on the outskirts of Milton Keynes. My mate Pleaty wound love to hear the full story behind that one.
arrow Terry Greyson watched Peter Reid arm wrestling a gypsy in Paignton.
arrow Frank Ibbertson saw Neil Webb folding a box in Lincoln.
arrow Bill Taylor saw PFA chief Brendon Batson nipping off to lay a cable in Morrisons (the one in Peterborough).
arrow Tony Don noticed Matt Derbyshire, sightseeing in Derbyshire! As my mate Pleaty would have said "Spooky!".
arrow Gifton Noel Williams gargling Tizer at the side of the A4023. Top spot Bill Taylor. Again.
arrow Bob Merryman caught Lee Bowyer discussing olives with Kieron Dyer.
arrow And finally for this month, one of my female fans, Lisa Brooks, saw Jose Mourinho glaring at a baboon during a summer holiday visit to the Chessington World of Adventures. As my mate Pleaty would have undoubtedly said "Cowabunga Lisa !"