Fancy That ! 10 Surprising facts about Socrates

Heavens to Murgatroyd, its back! Yes, 10 things you lot don't know about a footballing megastar, but we do, are back in the room! We've already covered anti-social behaviour by Graeme Le Saux and Kevin Keegan's porn empire, but wait till you find out what we know about the legendary Socrates. He smoked! He healed! He loved conkers!

• 1 Socrates is of course named after the famous Greek philosopher, Aristotle. Amazingly he is also a qualified doctor of philosophy but that didn't stop him from being the team joker in the Brazil dressing room. His tricks included using existentialist angst to wind Falcao up and prolific usage of his infamous wobbly beer glass.

• 2 Everyone in the world, bar nobody at all, knows that the Brazilian legend, smoked like a mackerel. But not a lot of people know what he smokes. Tobacco? Nope. Cannabis or hashish? Oh my good lord no. Liquorice? Now you're talking! He has specially grown liquorice turned into ‘fags' by renowned smoke makers Tommy Benson and Lord Hedges. They're an acquired taste but not for Doc Soc. He's a 60 a day man.

• 3 Its equally well known fact, apart from a family in Iowa who don't, that Socrates is a qualified doctor. Socrates passed his medical exams during the 1982 World Cup of which he was one of the stars.

• 4 Socrates actually took his final exam during the Brazilians 4-0 cakewalk against New Zealand in the group stages. If you view the footage carefully you can actually see Socrates near the corner flag beavering away while an adjudicator desperately tries to maintain silence among the 50,000 crowd.

• 5 Talking of cakewalk's, Socrates designed one of Brazil's finest, stretching from the coast at Recife all the way into the Amazon basin. And back out again!

• 6 Socrates briefly signed for Garforth Town of some obscure league in Yorkshire. We don't know why he did this, but we do know that while he was here he developed a real passion for conkers. He would often nip down to the municipal bus station for a few games with local teenagers. At the moment of victory he would bellow ‘It's a Ninety-Niner!' in the general direction of the tea bar.

• 7 Unfortunately 'It's a Ninety-Niner' has long been code among Garforth's 'dogging' community. Shouting the phrase means that unspeakable public acts of depravity are taking place in a nearby vehicle. Arriva West Yorkshire imposed a restriction order on Socrates that is still valid today.

• 8 Socrates' brother Rai, played for Paris St Germain and won the World Cup with Brazil in 1994, something his more illustrious brother didn't achieve. However, Rai certainly didn't have his brother's intellect. This was embarrassingly demonstrated when he came last in a 1992 edition of Euro quiz Going For Gold, with Henry Kelly. Rai came last in contest behind a unemployed bricklayer from Lewisham, an Eskimo who didn't even turn up and a mute Amsterdam prostitute.

• 9 Socrates' favourite computer is the Acorn Electron. He has three. And a Commodore 64!

• 10 Today Socrates employs his intellectual and sporting abilities as a team captain on Brazilian panel show 'Ees Honly un Game!' It's the top rated light entertainment show in Brazil, a sort of mix between Soccer AM and University Challenge. Regular team mates include 1970 legend Jairzinho, motor racings Rubens Barichello and snooker ref, Len Ganley.