A big hello to soccer gossip fans everywhere. We're back with more tip top tittle tattle from the football world. And for the football world its holiday time! But there's no holiday for us globe trotting, celebrity insider, Notts Forest legends. Apart from the many months between columns.

Anyway this month we've got top gossip from around the globe. From Tinseltown to Mansfield Town you'll find it here.

There's only one place to begin. Madrid! Capitalisto! Galactico! Ronaldo! Florentino Perez won't stop with the record breaking, recession busting transfers of Kaka and Ronaldo. The latest from the Spanish capital is that Perez's next galactico will be none other than Scotland's, all-singing, all-spinstering, cat loving sensation, Susan Boyle! Our saucers tell us that Subo will be brought to the Bernabeu as Perez needs to keep upping the ante on the superstar scale to appease the ever demanding Madrid supporters. Negotiations with Britain's Got Talent supreme Simon Cowell are well under way. Cowell is a proven negotiator in such matters and Perez's skills will be tested to the max, especially as Chelsea overlord, Roman Abramovich is also said to be sniffing around. Details of the deal are said to be a closely guarded secret but the sticking points could include the importation of Whiskas cat food and the scale of Subo's Tunnoch's Caramel Wafer requirements. Perez sees Subo as providing the necessary firepower to rattle in the chances created by Ronaldo and Kaka and bring an unprecedented 10th European Cup to the Bernabeu. Either that or she'll play in goals. Interesting times ahead.

Sticking with the Madrid transfer madness and there are problems afoot in Milan after Kaka's transfer. As ever it revolves around money. The huge boost to club coffers has encouraged speculation that the Rossoneri will begin a spending splurge of their own. However, club owner and Italian president Silvio Berlusconi has other ideas. Berlusconi, who recently became embroiled in a photo controversy over scantily clad women at his lakeside penthouse wants the funds to purchase gallons of exotic hair lacquer for his famously ‘dark' hair. The 73 year old reckons that he needs more of the jet black gloop, produced by Patagonian eunuchs out of puffin excrement, to keep his ‘youthful' looks which are the main reason behind his popularity with the ladies (lay-dees in Italian). The lacquer retails at $1m a flagon. However, this has sparked a backlash among squad members. Paolo Maldini is said to be furious that funds are to be spent this way. He feels that the money should go on the spiralling maintenance costs of the special Cryogenic Suspension contraption, which keeps many of the Italian clubs veterans playing until their fifties. It has also ruined Franco Baresi's rumoured return to the side as a nippy winger. Baresi, sipping brown ale in his sheltered accommodation near Lake Como told the 3pm Boys that it was unfortunate his comeback would be delayed but that he hoped to be back in training just as soon as the Italian version of Cash in the Attic was over.

Where are the stars spending their summer holiday's this year, we hear you cry. Well, the 3pm Boys have opened our phonebook, sent some texts and here's a selection of the responses:

Greavsie, off Saint & Greavsie:
“Hi Kenny and Larry! I'm not going on holiday this year but the missus is heading to the West Indies. Jamaica? No, she went of her own accord (chortle).”

Real Madrid's Christiano Ronaldo:
“A caravan site near Macclesfield. I might visit Tatton Park.”

AC Milan legend Franco Baresi:
“Saga holiday to the warming spa baths of Baden Baden. Oooooooooh my old bones.”

Sky Sports pundit Jamie Redknapp:
“Me and Louise fancy looking at a bit of culture. So we're off to the microbiology department at Edinburgh University. To fink that's where Alexander Fleming once laboured.”

Birmingham's fresh faced scamp, Lee Bowyer:
“One must always utilise any opportunity to extend ones understanding of life. I'll be heading for the Galapagos Islands where Darwin was inspired to formulate his thesis of evolution. I'll be stopping off at Ayia Napa on the way back. Merely for research purposes, mind.”

Finally avid readers will know that we've been charting the rocky road of former Doncaster and Sheffield Wednesday defender turned chef to the Hollywood stars, Glyn Snodin. Things are finally looking up for Glyn as he's turned his restaurant into an all you can eat curry house and comedy club. Hollywood stars have been queuing round the block for a taste of India while downing a few pints and chuckling the night away to the antics of Lennie Bennett, Stan Boardman and him off that thing that was on the telly in the eighties. You know, him who used to say ‘Chase me' all the time. Anyhow stellar Hollywood names such as Ben Stiller, Demi Moore and Gary Coleman are now regulars at The Laughing Poppadom. We'll save the story of how Jack Black was brown in the dumps after gobbling down one of Glyn's Chicken Phall's for next time. He certainly bit off more than he could poo!


Tatty bye for now Sultans of Gossip!

A big hello to soccer gossip fans everywhere. We're back with more tip top tittle tattle from the football world. And for the football world (well Britain) its holiday time! We've got some juicy summertime escapades from footballers around the globe (well Britain) so lets, ahem, kick off, with this.

With all eyes focused on Wayne and Waynetta Rooney getting married in Italy, the paparazzi have missed some juicy bite-sized stories that we're only too pleased to bring to you.

Hollywood first and the curse of the Snodin's strikes again. While brother Ian's marital issues with Eva Longoria have made headlines all over the world, brother Glyn's restaurant problems have gone from bad to wurst! Apparently, showbiz pals Paul Shane and Russ Abbott were spending time at 'Glyn's Gaffe' (local vandals have added the letter E to the sign), while in negotiations with Universal Studios over their forthcoming blockbuster movie adaptation of TV classic Oh No Its Selwyn Froggatt. The film, which pitches former Hi-De-Hi star Shane into some steamy scenes with Angelina Jolie and is directed by Ridley Scott, has been put hold after Jolie had eaten some out of date sausages cooked by Snodin. Before long Jolie was complaining about a 'gippy tummy' and had to leave, threatening to bin the whole project. Snodin, who has money worries and was recently sued by Bernard Matthews for using that pink ham as a trifle, denied the sausages were out of date but when Ridley Scott rifled through the bins out the back he spotted an empty packet of Walls that was SIX months out of date!

Big Sam has gone public with his criticism of the BBC again after purchasing a book by them which he thought was rubbish. 'Blades Business Crew: The Inside Story of a Football Hooligan Gang' was on offer with Amazon and Allardyce, who can't resist a bargain, thought he'd grab a copy. But Allardyce was highly critical of the book claiming that "It's a travesty. They're always heavily outnumbered and yet they always seem to win the fights. Also, it's always the other hooligan gangs who knock old ladies over and land cheap shots in pubs and never them. It's not a patch on 'Congratulations, You Have Just Met the ICF' by Cass Pennant. That was ace." We phoned the BBC for a comment and were put through to Gary Lineker's office but a confused woman told us that Mr Lineker was having his afternoon nap.

Finally, we can't end without one Rooney story. Pal John Terry has broken the bank to purchase one of the last remaining Trevor Francis Tracksuit's, as sung about on the closing titles of Only Fools and Horses, as a wedding present. These days the thin acrylic tracksuits are worth hundreds of thousands of pounds. Terry, who bought the tracksuit from a mush in Shepherds Bush, is thought to have spent in the region of a cool quarter of a million on the tracksuit. Rooney is said to be delighted.

A big hello to soccer gossip fans everywhere. We're back with more tip top tittle tattle from the football world. And there's plenty to tuck into this month...

There's only one place to start and that's Hollywood! The on-off, will they-won't they, upstairs-downstairs, underground-overground, Wombling free romance between former Doncaster legend Ian Snodin and sultry, silky, sextress Eva Longoria is back ON again! Rumour had it last time out that Ian's homing pigeons were causing a major rift at the couples $6 billion Beverly Hills mansion. However, Longoria rallied to the defence of her new beau when a Residents Association committee, led by Joe Pesci, and someone from the council, came to visit to the couple to discuss the noise nuisance from their feathered friends. The feisty Latino threw out the committee after a heated spat with Pesci and fellow member Melvyn Hayes. Since then she has taken a keen interest in Snodin's hobby and plans to join him on his next trip back to South Yorkshire for the prestigious Mexborough and District Pigeon Racing League annual dinner and dance at the Rams Head, Greasborough (tickets £18.50).

A new name has emerged that will reignite the debate about the future of Arsenal Football Club. After fending off the efforts of billionaires Stan Kroenke and Alisher Usmanov, the board face a new, even more controversial figure who is launching a bid. We can reveal that none other than controversial terrorist overlord Osama Bin Laden has been considering a takeover of the north London club. According to our sources in the Tora Bora caves on the Pakistan / Afghanistan border, Bin Laden is determined to stop his international campaign of terror because "he can't be arsed with it anymore". If he was to stop, Bin Laden would need something to spend the billions that the CIA gave him on, and as a passionate Gooner, Arsenal would fit the bill. However, in addition to resistance from the Arsenal board, Bin Laden might struggle to pass the FA's fit and proper person test for club ownership. This follows the failed bid by fellow international terrorist mastermind, Mullar Omar, for his beloved Stockport County.

With the Diana inquest rumbling on there's more trouble for her former butler and self-styled rock, Paul Burrell. Burrell was famously acquitted from stealing loads of old stuff from the deceased Princess of Hearts in 2002 and since then has somehow managed to wing a Z list celebrity career out of it. Well, there's more memorabilia misuse as it emerges that Burrell has been hoarding Chesterfield FC souvenirs from club legend Ernie Moss. Burrell is originally from Grassmoor, near the town, and remains a devout supporter of the club. Although he tries desperately to sound posh, his accent completely collapses whenever he visits Saltergate in one of his disguises (usually Barney Rubble). The story is dynamite despite the fact that Moss is neither particularly famous outside north Derbyshire nor the most photographed woman in the world. Moss is distraught, particularly at the loss of his match programme from the final of the 1981 Anglo-Scottish Cup. When we phoned Burrell's office for his side of the story we were told that Burrell was out, selling old kettles down Streatham High Street.

Finally news reaches of a real pop shocker. Ageing Mancunian miserableist, Morrissey, has decided his new single will be none other than a remake of the 1982 England World Cup song 'This Time - We'll Get it Right'. Should be fun! Mozzer is said to be a big fan of the song.

Don't say we didn't tell you. Alright, we didn't, claiming his new love interest would be TV-AM chef Rusty Lee, not some hairdresser. But we were first to crack the story. That's why we lead, the tabloids follow!

Ta Ta for Now!

To 'kick off' October's gossip we're heading straight to Hollywood! But not to see what Becks and Posh are up to. No, the fallout from this year's Emmy awards continues... our spies are telling us that the friendship between Sopranos star James Gandolfini and Geordie pin-up Peter Beardsley is on the rocks big-time. Apparently Beardo knocked Gandolfini's pint of mild over just before he got up to collect his Best Actor's gong. Some of the mild apparently splashed on his new pig-skin brogues, which somewhat irritated the fictional Mafia don. Apologies were refused and offers to buy him another pint were angrily rejected. Eventually Edie Falco (Gandolfini's on screen wife Carmen) intervened and a distraught Peter had to leave early with pals Barry Venison and Corrie's Roy Cropper, alias actor David Neilson, who had just lost out to Gandolfini for the Best Actor prize.

Staying in Hollywood, the on-off, will-they-won't-they engagement between Desperate Housewives sultry beauty Eva Longoria and former Doncaster and Everton playmaker Ian Snodin is off again! The latest bust up has been put down to work related pressures by publicists but we believe the truth is more complex. Sources from Tinseltown are suggesting that Snodin's homing pidgeons are the real cause! Snodin, who keeps the pidgeons in the spare bathroom at the couples $4 billion Bel Air mansion, has refused all efforts from Longoria to have them removed. Apparently she objects to the smell and neighbours, including George Clooney, Joe Pesci, Ozzy Osbourne and former Basil Brush front man Roy North, have all complained to the local residents association.

Talking of the Snodin's, brother Glynn's venture into the Hollywood haute-cuisine market looks to be over before it started - potty-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsey refused to join up with the ex-Donny Rovers star at the dreadfully named 'Glynn's Gaff' in an expensive part of Beverley Hills and Snodin Jr was unable to pay the first month's rent after just 5 people turned up over the opening weekend, 2 of which were his old Rotherham chums Barry and Paul Chuckle, in town to push their new stage show 'The Chuckle Brothers versus Hollywood'. Things went from bad to worse when there was an incident with the dessert. He really shouldn't have had custard pie on the menu with those Chuckle Brothers around! Stick to what you know Glynn.

It's the home leg now and there's a storm brewing in the Cole household. Husband Ashley is not best pleased with wife Cheryl's non-stop partying antics. In particular, his tea is rarely cooked when he comes home from work and often it's not even his favourite dish of Alphabetti Spaghetti on toast. Tweedy is rarely out of the glossies and we can only suggest that her nocturnal antics are affecting her cookery skills. Rumours of a new lady in Ashley's life continue to abound and the word on the street is that she is none other than former TV-AM chef Rusty Lee! If true (and to be honest our sources aren't 100%), and things do develop, at least being called Rusty Cole isn't really amusing. Maybe she's learnt the lesson from her disastrously brief marriage to Jimmy Nail.

And finally, news reaches us from Barrow-in-Furness that our old team-mate Trevor Francis has landed his dream role in the town's Panto - playing Aladdin opposite Christoper Biggins' Widow Twanky. Break a leg Trev.