Kenny Burns & Larry Lloyd - the 3pm Boys...

SPRING 2017

A big hello to soccer gossip fans everywhere. We're back with more tip top tittle tattle from the football world. And for the football world its holiday time! But there's no holiday for us globe trotting, celebrity insider, Notts Forest legends. Apart from the many months between columns.

Anyway this month we've got top gossip from around the globe. From Tinseltown to Mansfield Town you'll find it here.

There's only one place to begin. Madrid! Capitalisto! Galactico! Ronaldo! Florentino Perez won't stop with the record breaking, recession busting transfers of Kaka and Ronaldo. The latest from the Spanish capital is that Perez's next Galactico will be none other than Scotland's, all-singing, all-spinstering, cat loving sensation, Susan Boyle! Our saucers tell us that Subo will be brought to the Bernabeu as Perez needs to keep upping the ante on the superstar scale to appease the ever demanding Madrid supporters. Negotiations with Britain's Got Talent supreme Simon Cowell are well under way. Cowell is a proven negotiator in such matters and Perez's skills will be tested to the max, especially as Chelsea overlord, Roman Abramovich is also said to be sniffing around. Details of the deal are said to be a closely guarded secret but the sticking points could include the importation of Whiskas cat food and the scale of Subo's Tunnoch's Caramel Wafer requirements. Perez sees Subo as providing the necessary fire-power to rattle in the chances created by Ronaldo and Kaka and bring an unprecedented 10th European Cup to the Bernabeu. Either that or she'll play in goals. Interesting times ahead.

Next up, we noticed that on recent training camp in the Canary Islands, several members of the Burnley first team had packed up all their blankets, dry bags, travel bags, duffle bags and general outdoor gear and headed off into the mountains for some high altitude training. Highly recommended as it's beautiful out there.

Something for the Lay-dees !

Sticking with the Madrid transfer madness and there are problems afoot in Milan after Kaka's transfer. As ever it revolves around money. The huge boost to club coffers has encouraged speculation that the Rossoneri will begin a spending splurge of their own. However, club owner and Italian president Silvio Berlusconi has other ideas. Berlusconi, who recently became embroiled in a photo controversy over scantily clad women at his lakeside penthouse wants the funds to purchase gallons of exotic hair lacquer for his famously ‘dark' hair. The 73 year old reckons that he needs more of the jet black gloop, produced by Patagonian eunuchs out of puffin excrement, to keep his ‘youthful' looks which are the main reason behind his popularity with the ladies (lay-dees in Italian). The lacquer retails at $1m a flagon. However, this has sparked a backlash among squad members. Paolo Maldini is said to be furious that funds are to be spent this way. He feels that the money should go on the spiralling maintenance costs of the special Cryogenic Suspension contraption, which keeps many of the Italian clubs veterans playing until their fifties. It has also ruined Franco Baresi's rumoured return to the side as a nippy winger. Baresi, sipping brown ale in his sheltered accommodation near Lake Como told the 3pm Boys that it was unfortunate his comeback would be delayed but that he hoped to be back in training just as soon as the Italian version of Cash in the Attic was over.

Happy Holidays

Where are the stars spending their summer holiday's this year, we hear you cry. Well, the 3pm Boys have opened our phonebook, sent some texts and here's a selection of the responses:

Greavsie, off Saint & Greavsie:
“Hi Kenny and Larry! I'm not going on holiday this year but the missus is heading to the West Indies. Jamaica? No, she went of her own accord (chortle).”

Real Madrid's Christiano Ronaldo:
“A caravan site near Macclesfield. I might visit Tatton Park.”

AC Milan legend Franco Baresi:
“Saga holiday to the warming spa baths of Baden Baden. Oooooooooh my old bones.”

Sky Sports pundit Jamie Redknapp:
“Me and Louise fancy looking at a bit of culture. So we're off to the microbiology department at Edinburgh University. To fink that's where Alexander Fleming once laboured.”

Birmingham's fresh faced scamp, Lee Bowyer:
“One must always utilise any opportunity to extend ones understanding of life. I'll be heading for the Galapagos Islands where Darwin was inspired to formulate his thesis of evolution. I'll be stopping off at Ayia Napa on the way back. Merely for research purposes, mind.”

The Laughing Poppadom

Finally avid readers will know that we've been charting the rocky road of former Doncaster and Sheffield Wednesday defender turned chef to the Hollywood stars, Glyn Snodin. Things are finally looking up for Glyn as he's turned his restaurant into an all you can eat curry house and comedy club. Hollywood stars have been queuing round the block for a taste of India while downing a few pints and chuckling the night away to the antics of Lennie Bennett, Stan Boardman and him off that thing that was on the telly in the eighties. You know, him who used to say ‘Chase me' all the time. Anyhow stellar Hollywood names such as Ben Stiller, Demi Moore and Gary Coleman are now regulars at The Laughing Poppadom. We'll save the story of how Jack Black was brown in the dumps after gobbling down one of Glyn's Chicken Phall's for next time. He certainly bit off more than he could poo!

Tatty bye for now Sultans of Gossip!