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When Big Sam joined that not so exclusive club that is the Former Newcastle Managers Society, the
search was on for a new boss for Premiership football's oddest owner, Mike Ashley, and his robot chairman
M.O.R.T. Ashley is certainly football's least likely looking billionaire. Will he ever speak? Can he speak?
He makes Roman Abramovich seem like Stanley Unwin. Anyway, these are questions for another day.
Here at MD we've sifted through the smoke emanating out of St James Park and this is our shortlist...
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| 1/4 |
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8 Ace
"You don't win anything with bairns. Unless you bray `em." Ace's homespun philosophies could be just the ticket to get
Newcastle back on track. The Viz character's no nonsense style may grate with those that tired of Allardyce and he's likely to
spend the transfer kitty on Ace lager, but he's our top tip for the big job on Toonside. He can't be any worse than Souness anyway.
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| 8/11 |
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Alan Shearer
The creosote addled, burger salesman might finally throw his hat into the ring for the job he was born for. It is, like all
that crap in Star Wars, his destiny. Like Luke Skywalker he's failed to complete his training, but unlike Skywalker he doesn't
have a robotic hand. This could cost him dear with M.O.R.T. a key influence on the Geordie board.
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| Evens |
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Jossy
His glory days might have been in the 1980s but Jossy became a north east legend with his ability to turn round an ailing outfit
in the shape of kids team The Grasshoppers and turn them into the mighty Glipton Giants. Can he do the same with the Magpies?
Not if his choice of assistant is anything to go by (see inset). He also has numerous outside business interests.
Like Mike Ashley he runs an ailing sports shop business and has to make ends meet on the lucrative corporate lookalike
circuit as Neil Warnock.
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| 2/1 |
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John McCririck
They gambled in 1992 with a maverick legend and they may have to again in 2008. McCririck has already thrown his hat into the
ring on BBC 5live. He has top contacts across Geordieland including Sid Waddell, Ant (or Dec) and the simple bloke in kids
TV drama The Machine Gunners who used to shout 'Where you going NOW!' all the time. Against him is the fact that he finds
it impossible to be photographed without his gob wide open and constantly has his fingers glued to his hat. The reclusive
Ashley might not approve.
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| 3/1 |
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Jordi Nayshun
Newcastle's previous forays into foreign coaches have been less than successful. However, the Spaniard could bring continental
sophistication to the club with his assistant Julio Geordio.
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| 7/1 |
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Biffa Bacon's Dad
Has a tough reputation (e.g. "Are you callin' wor pint a puff ?" WALLOP!), and not without justification.
The 2nd Viz legend to make our shortlist he could form a dream ticket
with 8 Ace. Biffa's mum could also be drafted onto the backroom staff. Like Allardyce, Bacon is his own man but unlike
Allardyce he is unlikely to waste money on dubious characters. Many in the game would like to see the justice he would
administer to Biffa Barton, for example.
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| 10/1 |
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Don Logan
A wild card. The London gangster may have his critics, but this is a results business and Logan gets results.
His London background will work against him for those Newcastle fans with long memories and Get Carter on video.
Another negative is a potentially combustible relationship with key players;
Obefemi Martins: "Boss, I want a transfer."
Logan: "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO....."
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| 12/1 |
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Sting
The man is football outsider, but with ability to delay orgasms for hours on end with his tantric sex antics, he could be the
perfect manager to instil some much needed patience in the Geordie fans, desperate for instant satisfaction.
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| 20/1 |
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Kevin Keegan
The second coming? Or is the third? Toon fans will hope the Brut guzzling, road safety expert will turn them around again,
but Kev has said that he's left football for good. Like he did before taking the Newcastle job the first time. And we believe him.
Like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, he's too old for this shit.
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| 50/1 |
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Jimmy Nail
A definite outsider. Which Nail will turn up? The sophisticated crocodile shoes wearing style guru? Or the bluff no-nonsense,
northern workman? Probably the latter, which after Allardyce will be too much for Geordie fans, despite his clear Toon credentials.
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Article Keywords: Top Contenders for the Newcastle Utd Manager Job - Who will be the next Newcastle Boss -
Runners and Riders for the Toon job
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Top 10 Contenders for the Newcastle Utd Job (post-'Big Sam') 